I didn’t realize how long one year without you would feel or how quickly it would pass...
For a week I have been trying to find just the right words to send to the local paper for my Mom's memorial ad. So apart from writing a small book I decided to write a blog post and then just include my link to it in the paper. Funny enough I think my mom would appreciate this and my cost effectiveness. I can still remember her telling me how much it cost to post notices in the Cambridge Times and the Spectator, for my wedding announcement in 2004. I have yet to confirm the cost of the memorial ad and my Dad said he would pay for the submissions, but I still can't help but think she would be far more happy that I was able to write all I want to say and do it for a fraction of the cost...plus I can add pictures and stuff from my son Ben (my mom's only Grandchild, and her absolute love) First I would like to say that I loved my mom a lot, I probably didn't say those words to her enough, but I know she knew, without any doubt. My mom was young, only just turned 56 when she passed and I was nearly 39. I remember in her obituary announcement the funeral home put that she was in her 57th year. Seems silly that it would bug me, but she always like to be my young mom. I'm not saying 57 is really much older then 56, but she was only 56 and it didn't seem fair to me that an obituary notice made it seem like I had an entire year More with her then I actually did. We looked more like sisters. I think both her and I liked when people would make that comment to us. She had me when she was only 17, I know it wasn't easy but both her and my Dad did a very good job raising me, If I dare say so! They spent forty years together, 39 of them married...well almost 39 she passed away 17 days before their 39th anniversary, but they always added 1 year to their actual anniversary because they married 1 year to the day after they met. I would say we were close, but not in a way where I would go to her with all my life stuff. I can't really say why because she probably would have really like it if I called more often, or we talked about more "things" but that's not who I am. Her an I are different that way, she was warm and welcoming, patient and non-judgemental, positive almost to a fault, a good listener (aside from the fact that she wore hearing aids in both ears) found the good in everyone & everything and always did give good advice, when ever I asked for it. Me well people often say I'm alot like my Dad, I can't say that they are wrong but I'd like to think I'm a little gentler version. Opinionated, yep! impatient, I'm always working on this, trying to lenghten my time before I feel myself starting to either freak out or zone out of whats going on. Of course put me in the drivers seat and sadly I only go about 2 seconds before I start complaining about the person in front of me..I'm not a very good passenger either. I have a horn in my car and I honk it, whether I'm in the drivers seat or passenger seat (this drives my husband crazy ;-) more so when he's driving and I reach over and lay on the horn, but I am working on this too! I say I'm a realist my husband say's I'm negative...I'm logical and like to run through all the possible outcomes of any given situation, he see's me as being a negative Nelly. I am fiercely loyal, because of this I choose to only have a few people in my "inner circle". I am honest, maybe too honest...I don't sugar coat much, I tell it like it is. But I am finding a way to be more selective about who or what I have the need to share the honest truth with. I talk more then I listen...writing that sounds sh@*ty, but it's true! I'd call myself a rambler I can get on to something and then just roll with it, and then some....like I'm doing now!
I want to write a memorial to my mom, but just don't know what to say. I still grieve her, there are days when I look at her urn on my mantle and think - Wow this totally sucks! I can't believe she gone. I still talk to her, maybe even more some days then I did when she was physically "here" with me. My son Ben draws Nanny Val pictures, some of them get taped right to her urn others on the mantle around her. He shows her things like the time he lost his first tooth he went to her urn and said "look Nan, I lost my 1st tooth" and then said oh and turned his little head with his mouth wide open straight up to heaven and said "it's probably easier for you too see if I look at you". Her memory lives on in me, in the person I would want her to be proud of, I try to be a good mother, wife and friend. In those moments when life challenges me I try to think how would my mom handle this, how happy would she be to just be here one more day, would she look upon me and smile or would she say I know you can do this, just take it one step at a time. I would like to think that if she had the chance to return to me for just one day that she would say I am proud of the way you have honoured me, how you have kept my memory alive with Benjamin. How you have stood by your Dad and helped him heal a little from the loss of me. Maybe that's why I find it hard to put into words or a verse just how much I've missed you this year...because even though you are not in my physical presence where I can really hear your voice or your laugh, or I can hug you or kiss you. You still live with me in my heart every day. Don't get me wrong I, we miss you like crazy our family is just not the same without you here. But I find great comfort in the thought of you being only a heartbeat away. I cannot write a verse, or say a few short words to memorialize my mother's 1st anniversary of her passing, because I live her memory each and every day ~ and that to me is the best memorial I can give to her, to myself and my son. I love you mom...until we meet again kiss kiss hug hug...Nicki
